


Speaking in Tongues

by Sarita1046



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Double Entendre, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 08:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11157867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarita1046/pseuds/Sarita1046
Summary: Sisko takes advantage of a counselor's presence aboard DS9 to have Quark and Odo work out some of their issues. Much confusion ensues. Written for Pride Month.





	Speaking in Tongues

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is my first comedy fic.
> 
> Musical inspiration: "Whimsical Comedy" by mrAudioAgent. 
> 
> https://youtu.be/v1Ajh9Cn23k

“ _Counseling_?” Quark sputtered, “But – we don’t even have a counselor on this station!”

“She’s more like a community service officer,” Commander Sisko explained levelly. “They pass through monthly to deal with interpersonal dynamics that cause ongoing public unrest throughout station society.”

“But I’m in charge of station security,” Odo protested from beside Quark as they both sat before the Commander in his office. “Station society looks to me for protection – I’m the one they come to with these sorts of issues.”

“And yet,” Sisko replied, “The noise complaints in the hallways when you both argue and specifically your demeanor around Quark’s have gotten out of hand, Constable. The grievances have made it all the way to me.”

“See!” Quark grinned at Odo, “I told you people were afraid of you. And not just because of your species. You’re so grumpy all the time. You never want to do anything but mope around and then go back to your bucket.”

The commander nearly interjected before Odo beat him to the chase. “Well, someone has to keep you in check! Every day, it’s about what you want and how much you get for each person you deceive with your bets and bargains.”

“It’s called making a living,” Quark retorted, “And what about you? Walking around with nothing important to do all day, so you spend your time scaring the customers from the bar or practicing _shifting_ moves all night long. The noise is deafening!”

Odo opened his mouth as Sisko cut them both off. “Enough now,” he stated gruffly. “Counselor Ris arrives at 09:00 tomorrow. I expect you both in this office at that time. I will give you all this space for the hour while I attend a meeting in Ops.”

Both men before him looked utterly put out.

Sisko managed a small smile. “Come on now. Just do it for the station.”

Truthfully, the commander just needed an official report to show that he’d tried to keep the peace.

 

Counselor Ris turned out to be a rather young Andorian woman. Her light blue skin tone and antennae gave the appearance of an unassuming persona. Quark figured this shouldn’t be too hard to get over with. Odo was simply in a sour mood.

“Well then,” Ris smiled, adjusting her translator, “What seems to be the main trouble here?”

“Tell me, miss…Ris,” Quark had already turned on his trademark leer, “We don’t get many Andorians around here. I’m curious…do you hear with those?”

He gestured to his own head, indicating Ris’s antennae and Odo rolled his eyes.

“Yes, I do.” The counselor replied evenly. “Why is this important to you?”

“Can you do anything… _else_ with them?” Quark tested.

“That’s enough, Quark,” Odo growled, “Forgive him, madam. He never can take anything seriously.”

“Not true,” Quark spat, “I have the business!”

“Ah, the business,” Odo huffed, “Never satisfied unless you’re milking everyone dry.”

Ris cleared her throat. “I beg your pardon, sirs. But would you mind starting from the beginning?”

“Well sure counselor, that’s easy,” Quark replied loftily, “I run a fine, professional establishment…and this one,” he jerked his head at Odo, “Can’t handle all the profit I make.”

“You’re using people,” Odo cut in, “It’s never fair. There’s no justice or dignity in what you do.”

Ris looked rather baffled. “Profit…what kind of profession is it that you run, Quark?”

“Why, the oldest in the universe, of course,” Quark beamed, always prideful, “We have the highest quality anyone could ask for. Flavors from all over the quadrant. Folks flock from every corner to sample our latest imports.”

Odo scoffed. “Surely never worth as much as you charge.”

“Come, _Constable_ ,” sneered Quark, “Don’t deny it. You’re just jealous.”

“ _Jealous_?” Odo bellowed.

“That’s right,” Quark returned, “Jealous that you can’t partake in such…pleasures. Perhaps if you weren’t so uptight all the time…”

Ris sighed. This was certainly new. While she was fairly familiar with Ferengi, the race of the other crewmember stumped her. She assumed his culture must not allow its people to practice what she assumed could only be the pastime of prostitution. 

Of course. Now it made sense. This Ferengi Quark must run a brothel on board, and the other one – Odo – must be his mate, envious of any pleasures Quark took from his own employees. 

Intriguing. Commander Sisko had never mentioned that she would be counseling a couple. Nor that there was a brothel onboard the station. 

“Very well,” she put in before Odo could whirl on Quark, “There seems to be quite a bit of animosity between you two. Perhaps better communication in place of sarcastic insults might do you some good. Simply state what you are feeling.”

“I’ll tell you exactly what I _feel_ , counselor,” Odo growled, still staring down Quark, “This professional crewmember of ours is a greedy scoundrel who can never keep his lobes off of patrons or his hands off of latinum.”

“Oh, right! As if I could actually entertain anyone with you in the vicinity, Odo!” Quark shot back, glancing afterward to Ris, “Truly, he’s always making a racket doing his thing. No time or space to do anything with that nuisance – sometimes it lasts all night long!”

“Ah,” Ris smiled gently, “I see. So it does appear to be a simple communication issue. Tell me, Quark. Have you ever tried telling Odo how his…style bothers you? How it’s a bit too loud?”

“How can I?” the Ferengi protested, “I can’t stand to be around him when he gets like that. He’s _oozing_ right on till morning!”

“You know that I can’t help it,” Odo bristled through gritted teeth, “And what about you? Always skulking around, dragging Rom into this nonsense?”

“Leave my brother out of this!”

Brother? 

Ris decided this had taken a very… _different_ turn. Still, basic Federation training dictated neutrality in the face of interspecies cultural conduct. There was no room for judgment.

“Gentlemen, let’s just take a moment,” the counselor interjected soothingly, “Why don’t we try and focus a bit more on the positive. Odo, can you tell me something positive about Quark?”

Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for Odo to reply. “Certainly. He…knows how to keep matters interesting. It’s never a dull day, wondering what he’ll get up to behind your back.”

Ris glanced to Quark expectantly.

Quark sighed dramatically. “Well…I suppose he does look pretty funny all bent over with that bucket. One of the highlights I’ve seen.”

“I see,” Ris began slowly, “So Odo, Quark stands behind you and you bend over? That is agreeable for you? Perhaps focus on this practice as a relaxation technique that works for you both…and this bucket…”

She tried to imagine what this "bucket" could possibly be. Perhaps a term for the crewmember Odo's reproductive organ...

“No, counselor,” Odo cut in hastily, “It’s a very private moment. I try to never do this with him around.”

“Ah, so it’s something you need to do alone,” Ris observed.

“And we’re all thankful for it,” laughed Quark, “Who wants to see anyone turn into a pool of fluid? Seriously, you have to wonder who cleans out the muck from that thing.”

"You've no right judging how I clean my bucket!" Odo growled, looming over the other man once again, before Ris spoke up.

“So then,” Ris ventured. “Odo, there’s never any… _fluid_ when Quark is present?”

“Once it happened with me in the room,” Quark grimaced, “The rest of the time, I’m busy tending to my customers and he’s just following on my backside as stiff as ever.”

“That’s the way I prefer it,” Odo almost looked like he wanted to smile, “Solid and right where you can’t see me coming.”

“Hmm,” Ris felt they’d reached quite a breakthrough, “Well, to me, it seems you two want the same thing. The freedom to do as you both please without the other interfering.”

“I’d be just fine with you interfering,” the lascivious glint had returned to Quark’s eyes.

Odo looked over at Quark then but surprisingly did not lash out.

Ris diplomatically ignored the Ferengi’s latest statement and continued, “Quark. It sounds as though sometimes, you need to just tell Odo the information he wants to hear from you. Compliments and all that. And Odo, perhaps try and back off a bit and give Quark some space. There will always be time for you to spend together after business hours.”

“After business hours?” Quark looked perplexed.

“Compliments?” Odo also seemed at a loss.

“That’s right,” Ris smiled amicably, “Quark, I’m sure you know that when Odo is there waiting for you at the end of the night, he’s not so much bitter over your interactions with those at the brothel as he is trying to express his desire to spend more time with you.”

“ _Brothel_?” Quark managed to choke out.

Ris refused to let her smile waver, even as the Ferengi’s eyes looked about to pop and the one beside him appeared utterly confused.

Odo spoke up. “Forgive me, madam, but why would Quark return to me at night?”

“Well,” Ris replied easily, “Typically individuals of most races choose to spend the night with their mates.”

Now the two men shared an identical dumbfounded expression. 

Glancing around feverishly, Quark swiftly stood up and exited the room hastily, followed closely by Odo. 

Close behind, Ris stood in the doorway and called, “I take it that’ll be all, then! I shall have the report of your progress to Commander Sisko promptly.”

After several moments, when Quark had rounded the corner up ahead, Odo turned back to the counselor.

“Thank you very much, counselor. Your tutelage has been most informative. It seems all I must do to sway Quark to listen is to assume your form the next time he makes trouble.”

With a curious gleam in his eye, the Ferengi’s strange mate turned and left.


End file.
